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All Toddlers Are Scorpios

An Astrological Guide to Your Adorable Tiny Terror

All Toddlers Are Scorpios Open the full-size image

Contributors

By Johanna Gohmann

Illustrated by Emily Flake

Read by Johanna Gohmann

Formats and Prices

On Sale
Apr 7, 2026
Publisher
Hachette Audio
ISBN-13
9781668654835

Price

$18.99

Format

Format:

  1. Audiobook Download (Unabridged) $18.99
  2. Hardcover $19.00 $25.00 CAD

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In the spirit of There Are Moms Way Worse Than You, Go the F**k to Sleep, and Darth Vader and Son, humor writer Johanna Gohmann channels the chaos and charm of life with a toddler into this hilarious astrology guide.

Parenting can be one of the most magical, hilarious, and maddening experiences known to humankind. One minute your little wonder is blowing you kisses, the next they’re licking the neighbor’s car. This book is for every parent who has ever felt like they’ve slipped through the space-time continuum while waiting for a small child to put on their shoes, or for the caregiver who can’t believe the heart-crushing love they feel for someone who just threw yogurt in their face.

This is a book that lets parents laugh at the sheer insanity of sharing their home with someone who cackles when you break your toe and insists on wearing oven mitts to bed.Blending parental exasperation with cosmic insight, Gohmann breaks down toddler personalities by zodiac sign—offering a starry-eyed (and slightly frazzled) look at the joys and mysteries of raising tiny humans. The profiles of each zodiac sign include sections dedicated to best (and worst!) toddler playdate matches; toddler’s preferred music, snacks, and toys; parent-child zodiac compatibility; and hilarious illustrations throughout from cartoonist Emily Flake. Whether you are raising a tenacious Taurus, a balanced Libra, or, yes, a hell-raising Scorpio, this is a book that lets parents laugh at the sheer insanity of sharing their home with a tiny terror.

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Johanna Gohmann

About the Author

Johanna Gohmann is an essayist, humor writer, and children’s book author whose work has appeared in The New Yorker, The Cut, and McSweeney’s, among other publications. She currently makes her home in Brooklyn, where she lives with her Irish computer nerd husband and their Scorpio son. You can find her at JohannaGohmann.com and on Instagram at @johannagohmann.

Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, and illustrator, and a regular contributor to The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and many other publications. She is the author of Joke in a Box, That Was Awkward, and Mama Tried. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and alarmingly large cat. You can find her at EmilyFlake.com and on Instagram at @eflakeagogo.

Learn more about this author

Emily Flake

About the Illustrator

Emily Flake regularly cartoons for the New Yorker, and writes and draws a weekly strip called Lulu Eightball (Atomic Books), which has been assembled into two collections. In 2007, she wrote and illustrated These Things Ain’t Gonna Smoke Themselves (Bloomsbury USA). Her illustrations and cartoons appear in publications all over the world, including the New York Times, Newsweek, the Globe and Mail, The Onion, The New Statesman, and Forbes.

Learn more about this illustrator